


nothing could make me stay

by BabadookBabe



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Angst, Character Death, Confessions of love, Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love Confessions, Major character death - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Modern AU, Multi, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, alternative universe, and no amount of medication or therapy could cut it for her, and she can't anymore, arwen doesn't reach out for help, arwen has spent her whole life trying to be the perfect daughter and trying to be strong, arwen is severely depressed, human arwen, suicidal, suicide letter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-08-04 07:47:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16342706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BabadookBabe/pseuds/BabadookBabe
Summary: How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.





	nothing could make me stay

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ THE TAGS AND DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SOMEONE WHO COULD EASILY BE TRIGGERED BY SUICIDE/SUICIDE LETTERS/IDEATION/ETC. This was a way for me to vent my own feelings and while I am not in danger it was something I needed to write. There will be two versions of this fic, this is the first version where it is just the letter. The second version which will be named "nothing could make me stay(but you did)" will have a surprise ending.

_Dear Tauriel,_

_I don’t know what to say. All I can think of, is I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry. There is nothing you could have done. Nothing anyone could have done. It’s selfish, I know, what I’ve done. One could say I didn’t think of anyone’s feelings but my own. But that’s wrong._

_I’ve thought of what this would do to everyone for years now. Thought of every single reaction, every single effect that this could have. And it ~~eats me~~ ate me up. I guess I shouldn’t be writing in the present tense anymore, should I?_

_I’ve been on and off suicidal since I was sixteen years old. Even with all the therapy, the medication, the support-I couldn’t fully kick it. How weak, right? What must everyone think of me? What must you think of me?_

_I know what this will do to my father, and yet I still did it. I know what this will do to my family, my friends-and yet. I can’t imagine a world where I’m alive, where I could keep on living like this. Sure I could have reached out, sure I could have hospitalized myself-but eventually, like it always does, the feelings of hopelessness would come back._

_And I just can’t. I can’t do it anymore, Tauriel. I am twenty two, and I’ve still been here too long._

_I don’t want anyone to find my body like this. This is why I’m doing this somewhere else. I can at least spare my friends and family from finding me, like this. I even thought of making it look like an accident, like I hadn’t meant to die._

_That would have been a lie. And I can’t lie anymore. I have spent my whole life lying. Lying to make other people happy, lying to make other people like me, lying to survive. Lying to make my father proud. Lying so that people would love me._

_I’m horrible, aren’t I?_

_There was a reason I made it this far. And that reason was you, you and Éowyn. Even just little things, like you two texting me funny memes or pictures of flowers you think I would like- even those little things convinced me life was worth living._

_These last few years since I met you two have felt like borrowed time, like my life should have ended long ago but I was allowed a few more years of on and off happiness. Of content. I think we were all meant to meet, like atoms that had come into being together at the beginning of the universe coming back to each other, over and over again. I felt like I have known you in other times, other galaxies, other universes even._

_Silly, right? I was always sentimental that way._

_I was just too weak, too gutless to continue. You’ve always been so strong Tauriel, I’ve always envied that. I wish I could have been strong like you. But I wasn’t, and here we are. I will never see you smile again, never see how the sunlight lights up your eyes, I will never feel my heart skip a beat or two at the sound of your laugh._

_I’ll never get to tell you in person how I’ve felt since the first day we met. You’ve always been smarter than me my friend, and I think you’ve known for a while what I mean when I say these things._

_But if for some reason you don’t, I want you to know, even if you don’t feel the same. I love you. I love you and Éowyn so much, and I wish I had been strong enough to say this in person. I wish I had been strong enough to live for this, for you._

_But I’m not._

_I love you, and I’m sorry. You have been one of the truest friends I have ever had, and you made the last few years of my life the best anyone could ever ask for. Thank you, I love you, I love you._

_And tell Éowyn how you feel about her, you two are hopelessly cute, but also hopelessly clueless. You two have so much to live for, so live for each other. Goodbye._

_Arwen_


End file.
